A few months ago, I went through this really strong need to quit. I toughed it out because I had more pressing matters, like my MCATs and my personal statement. I'm entering Month #11 and have been battling that urge to just walk out. Forget the two-week notice, here's my 'fresh out of the printer' two-second notice. I also bore with it because someone told me, "As a medical student/resident/doctor, you're going to have to do things you do not like."
This is true, so I've been very reluctant to complain to a lot of people about it outside of close friends/family. Training to become a doctor, and then being a doctor, is very tough. The blogs have been helpful to learn and hear about people (mostly residents, I think) who went through moments of doubt in their career. For most of these people, it seemed like they were just burnt out and needed time to work things through. It seemed like the long hours, exhausting schedule, working with the occasional, verbally-abusive colleague, and maybe even some self-esteem conflicts, led to a strong case of burn-out.
When I think about how tough medical school and residency will be, compared to what I do now, I start to feel guilty and think that I should probably just shut up. But on the flip side, is it healthy to be this miserable and spiteful when a job that should be easy starts to feel like it's sucking my soul out? When *all* the people I liked at work left willingly months ago? Is this the mood I want to be in for the next several months as I tackle my secondaries?
If I quit, whether or not I find another job, I also worry what I would say in the event that I did score a school interview and what the interviewers would think. Do I care what they think? Do I want to attend a school where I may be viewed in a negative light because I chose to do something that was better for my own personal mental/emotional/spiritual/etc well-being? Probably not. Do I need to make myself be miserable for the chance that I might look better as a tougher-outer than as a quitter? Is it quitting if I feel like my coworkers have already let me down when I have tried to make things easier for them?
There's also that voice, in the back of my head, that tells me I shouldn't make all my life decisions revolve around medical school.
It's not just the lack of "feel-good-vibes" that drive me crazy, the business side of things are also a mess.
I question the reliability of my employer, and so I rarely communicate with anyone in the office unless it's via e-mail or text message - something that leaves a record. I'm also not sure what's going on in the patient care side, because no one communicates with one another. Some days, the schedule changes and people get reassigned to another location, after appointments were scheduled. Does no one think to double-check these things (or ask other people about it) beforehand?
I'm leaning towards leaving, because this job seems way more stressful for a part-time job than it should be. I'm not learning anything and it's not fulfilling. I'm learning far more at the place where I volunteer 2-3 hours each week because the Director is very good about communicating and teaching despite his busy schedule.
I'll sleep on it, as I just received good comments from the Director about my grant and I get to print it out on letterhead tomorrow, which is always exciting. I get to take Friday off from volunteering, because the Director is on vacation and I finished my grant. Which is just as well, because the Financial Officer also has the day off and I won't be able to see Jasper the office dog pout from boredom outside the office:
|I was waiting outside your door because I love you, Master|