Contemplating

It's the homestretch, and my OChem flashcards are missing =/   I usually keep them in the big black clips on my backpack's side pocket, which is a pretty deep pocket.  I wonder if someone took it?  (Enjoy my coffee stains, jerks)  Oh well.  I took a real break today, where I socialized and also studied with a fellow pre-med friend who is visiting during her spring break, and it was restive.  My test is on Saturday.  I'm totally going to party hardy on Saturday night.  COMMENCING LIVER DESTRUCTION.

I've been avoiding blogging not so much because I'm focused on MCATs (although I am focused), but because  I'm in a very negative mental space on account of work.  One of my faults is that I am someone who is easily frustrated and expresses that frustration openly.  I've learned patience, I've learned to keep my mouth shut, and I've learned to either express my frustration in a professional manner or in a mode that is more lighthearted, like drawing.  I can poke fun at myself for taking things so seriously, and in that way I learn to get over certain frustrations.  Lately, I've gone far beyond my typical, comical Angry Mingle personality and descended into something darker and angrier and it is not healthy.

There are aspects about this job I really love.  I love the patients.  I even love working with the other residents, who aren't my patients.  I love how, for some grannies, bickering is an acceptable substitution for displays of affection ("Why you so fat?  Eat more rice!"  "I'm not fat!  That's how you get fat in the first place!!!")  I love working with the staff at the senior homes because they are good people.

But despite all that, I've been sinking.  I don't like the stress that comes with not having fully booked appointments.  I know that's just a reality, for some practices.  People will cancel last minute for various reasons and that's just how it is, especially if the patient is elderly and relies on others for transportation and care.  I also know the economy is rough, and I understand that clinics and hospitals are essentially businesses - breaking even is not good enough.  Despite understanding all those things, and being able to rationalize my likes/dislikes, this current job is something that I find myself increasingly unable to tolerate.  I  think listening to my supervisor tell me I need to work on a national holiday, when the rest of the staff gets the day off, in order to help more people is so, so obviously sleazy and I do not like it.  And I've worked on national holidays (or studied all through it), so I'm not lazy.

I dislike my boss, and I'm not the only one, but I'm the only one who will stand up to him for something so simple as saying, "Hey, why are you yelling at me for this?  I was trained to do it this way, and you never told me to do it your way."  It's not a good sign when the physical therapist asks me, the lowest one on the totem pole and the one with the least negotiating power, to ask the boss for overtime pay on President's Day.  I'm also miffed, because I know the boss is pointedly ignoring my time-off request, which was submitted well in advance.  I suspect he's doing this to retaliate for the two instances when I did stand up to him - as a way to exert control over someone like me who will not submit so easily.

I've talked to a few trusted people about it.  I wanted to know if I was being immature, or too idealistic.  I've always believed that a good practice will bring in it's own patients, and that non-marketing staff shouldn't have to feel pressured to bring people in, but THAT thought is a little bit too idealistic.  That ideal might have persisted for so long because I was lucky to be around physicians who were both good mentors and had strong careers.  I also thought, "Well, residency is going to suck even if I love it...so this should be cake."  But is it?  At what point is it okay to say, "Yeeaaaaah...This is not healthy for me, mentally or physically."

I'll table it for now, and come back to it after my post-test partying.